What each thought the toughest part of deciding to co-parent would be!
The Ex wife perspective (Jessi)
The toughest part for me in co-parenting was definitely ACCEPTANCE!!! I know that term sounds so freaking broad and confusing but it's true on so many levels and in so many situations.
First I had to accept that my ex and I didn't want each other but that didn't mean we both didn't want the kids. Come on ladies we know when a relationship ends we all play the game in our head of "oh I guess I am a single parent now" and I perpetuated this situation into my head and forced it into our reality. I moved the kids away from him because he left right what was I supposed to do, that must mean he doesn't want our kids either right? So flipping stupid and wrong!! I had to accept in my head that it was ok for me to upset and deal with my issues but the kids had nothing to do with my anger.
Next I had to accept there was another woman in this dynamic and that she was actually an asset to our situation and not this crazy ugly sea monster with 20 tentacles that I painted her out to be and probably made her feel like! People let me tell you, I was awful to this woman. Why and how she is still standing beside me as another mom in this situation is something I will never understand but I truly thank God every single day she has stuck with it and that we have made it to where we are today because I could not do half of what I do without her and my ex's support. That is what it is all about people! Two people created these human beings and just because you decide you don't want a relationship with the other person anymore there are still children who need both of you to guide them.
I also had to accept that doing this alone and having them away from dad wasn't the best option and that I wasn't freaking super woman. I had to accept that I needed help from my ex and his new wife, they had been offering it and I was just shutting them down, and for what? To prove a point that I had this situation in the bag and that we didn't need them. NO! I flipping needed all the help I could get! I was trying to do this new relationship with Eli (My husband now), go to school, work, be at everything for the kids, ask for minimal help from everyone around me because I didn't want to seem needy or that I couldn't do this single mom game (I was not a single mom, I was a mom refusing the help of their dad). The truth was I wanted this for our kids but I didn't know how to get myself to let this happen. Let this co-parenting happen, having this man that I once loved and cared for and his new wife be in our lives more often and handle it like an adult. How was I going to get this man I love more than anything (Eli) to go along with this crazy plan of moving so our kids could have all 4 parents all the time, no more missing games, birthdays, Christmas, homework melt downs, and just all of us being able to have them in a simple phone calls time.
The hardest was just simply accepting the help and accepting that I needed it. I needed these people and in the process I was going to have to acknowledge everything I had done to these people in the past and come to a common ground together in this. I was embarrassed at how I acted in the past, were these people going to trust me, accept me fully, accept this new man in my life, accept that I don't parent the same and finding ways to work with me (I am the soft one in parenting haha), accept that I am still guarded to my ex because we all know it takes awhile for disappointment to leave your mind, and accept that I am scared of this new woman being a parent figure to my kids. They embraced it all, and I am sure it wasn't easy on their end at all either, but they made the decision too and we have never looked back!
-Jessi
The New Wife perspective (Heather)
I don’t think I’d ever thought of coparenting until Jordan and I met. I came from parents who had recently divorced but I had never felt the effects of divorce as a child. Looking back now I’m thankful that I didn’t have any coparenting experiences and went into ours without any expectations.
Once our relationship became serious and I got to meet Bubba and Boo it sank in that we had hit a whole new level in dating that I’d never experienced before. Not only was I dating Jordan but I was also dating his kids, trying to find acceptance from his ex-wife all while making sure that Bear was happy as well.
At the time, what I felt was going to be the hardest was having to spend time with Jordan’s ex, Jessi, so that we could do things together with the kids. Attempting to be friends with his ex seemed like I was letting the enemy too close to home-which would be a fatal error in any other relationship- and frankly, I hated her. But when there’s kids involved and they need both parents around it’s just reality that there will be interactions, and not all of them will be positive. That sounds petty now, but it was honestly how I felt. I remember at one point telling Jordan I wasn’t sure if I could do this. Our kids got along with each other great, he and I couldn’t have been happier, but I didn’t feel accepted and it felt like a constant war zone trying to find a way to be accepted as another parent figure by Jessi.
Fast forward 5 years and I can safely say that while in the beginning, probably the first year, spending time with “the ex” was full of turmoil, mind games, and the usual petty fighting that ladies do (let’s be honest, ladies - we’re awful sometimes). But...it got better. It wasn’t overnight and I’m not exactly sure when it happened but I didn’t hate her anymore, I wasn’t jealous of the time she’d had with Jordan, I wasn’t angry about any of the nastiness that happened over the first year and I started taking all the effort I was putting into fighting and focusing it on proving I deserved to be a part of the family.
Then, I found the real challenge in co-parenting...the actual co-parenting. The challenge that never ends. Finding where I fit into the puzzle and where the boundaries were for me as a step-mom. By this point Jordan and I were married with a sibling for the kiddos on the way. I’d been a mom for 4 years by then, and a damn good one (all good moms have two piles of unfolded laundry at any given time, right?). But that didn’t mean Jessi trusted me with her kids or that she should. Where do I fit in, can I reprimand the kids if necessary, can I take them places alone or does their dad need to be with me were all questions I had and they weren’t easily answered. Really, they were never answered verbally but more trial and error and slowly gaining trust. I asked permission a lot...like A LOT! We’d come so far I didn’t want to cross a line and screw it up but I also needed the kids to see me as a parent figure if I was going to be involved.
It’s a daily balancing act and even after years of parenting together there’s no hard and fast rules. I still ask permission on certain things, some of which may seem silly. I asked the other day if I could take Boo for a pedicure - because I know that’s something special Jessi used to do with her so I asked first. Sometimes I ask for an opinion on how to handle a situation, or how we can get on the same page at both houses so there’s consistency for the kids. It’s compromise, communication, and mutual respect. We have 4 parents with different experiences, opinions, and ideas so coparenting will always be our biggest challenge but the most rewarding part of this whole situation too!
— Heather
The toughest part for me in co-parenting was definitely ACCEPTANCE!!! I know that term sounds so freaking broad and confusing but it's true on so many levels and in so many situations.
First I had to accept that my ex and I didn't want each other but that didn't mean we both didn't want the kids. Come on ladies we know when a relationship ends we all play the game in our head of "oh I guess I am a single parent now" and I perpetuated this situation into my head and forced it into our reality. I moved the kids away from him because he left right what was I supposed to do, that must mean he doesn't want our kids either right? So flipping stupid and wrong!! I had to accept in my head that it was ok for me to upset and deal with my issues but the kids had nothing to do with my anger.
Next I had to accept there was another woman in this dynamic and that she was actually an asset to our situation and not this crazy ugly sea monster with 20 tentacles that I painted her out to be and probably made her feel like! People let me tell you, I was awful to this woman. Why and how she is still standing beside me as another mom in this situation is something I will never understand but I truly thank God every single day she has stuck with it and that we have made it to where we are today because I could not do half of what I do without her and my ex's support. That is what it is all about people! Two people created these human beings and just because you decide you don't want a relationship with the other person anymore there are still children who need both of you to guide them.
I also had to accept that doing this alone and having them away from dad wasn't the best option and that I wasn't freaking super woman. I had to accept that I needed help from my ex and his new wife, they had been offering it and I was just shutting them down, and for what? To prove a point that I had this situation in the bag and that we didn't need them. NO! I flipping needed all the help I could get! I was trying to do this new relationship with Eli (My husband now), go to school, work, be at everything for the kids, ask for minimal help from everyone around me because I didn't want to seem needy or that I couldn't do this single mom game (I was not a single mom, I was a mom refusing the help of their dad). The truth was I wanted this for our kids but I didn't know how to get myself to let this happen. Let this co-parenting happen, having this man that I once loved and cared for and his new wife be in our lives more often and handle it like an adult. How was I going to get this man I love more than anything (Eli) to go along with this crazy plan of moving so our kids could have all 4 parents all the time, no more missing games, birthdays, Christmas, homework melt downs, and just all of us being able to have them in a simple phone calls time.
The hardest was just simply accepting the help and accepting that I needed it. I needed these people and in the process I was going to have to acknowledge everything I had done to these people in the past and come to a common ground together in this. I was embarrassed at how I acted in the past, were these people going to trust me, accept me fully, accept this new man in my life, accept that I don't parent the same and finding ways to work with me (I am the soft one in parenting haha), accept that I am still guarded to my ex because we all know it takes awhile for disappointment to leave your mind, and accept that I am scared of this new woman being a parent figure to my kids. They embraced it all, and I am sure it wasn't easy on their end at all either, but they made the decision too and we have never looked back!
-Jessi
The New Wife perspective (Heather)
I don’t think I’d ever thought of coparenting until Jordan and I met. I came from parents who had recently divorced but I had never felt the effects of divorce as a child. Looking back now I’m thankful that I didn’t have any coparenting experiences and went into ours without any expectations.
Once our relationship became serious and I got to meet Bubba and Boo it sank in that we had hit a whole new level in dating that I’d never experienced before. Not only was I dating Jordan but I was also dating his kids, trying to find acceptance from his ex-wife all while making sure that Bear was happy as well.
At the time, what I felt was going to be the hardest was having to spend time with Jordan’s ex, Jessi, so that we could do things together with the kids. Attempting to be friends with his ex seemed like I was letting the enemy too close to home-which would be a fatal error in any other relationship- and frankly, I hated her. But when there’s kids involved and they need both parents around it’s just reality that there will be interactions, and not all of them will be positive. That sounds petty now, but it was honestly how I felt. I remember at one point telling Jordan I wasn’t sure if I could do this. Our kids got along with each other great, he and I couldn’t have been happier, but I didn’t feel accepted and it felt like a constant war zone trying to find a way to be accepted as another parent figure by Jessi.
Fast forward 5 years and I can safely say that while in the beginning, probably the first year, spending time with “the ex” was full of turmoil, mind games, and the usual petty fighting that ladies do (let’s be honest, ladies - we’re awful sometimes). But...it got better. It wasn’t overnight and I’m not exactly sure when it happened but I didn’t hate her anymore, I wasn’t jealous of the time she’d had with Jordan, I wasn’t angry about any of the nastiness that happened over the first year and I started taking all the effort I was putting into fighting and focusing it on proving I deserved to be a part of the family.
Then, I found the real challenge in co-parenting...the actual co-parenting. The challenge that never ends. Finding where I fit into the puzzle and where the boundaries were for me as a step-mom. By this point Jordan and I were married with a sibling for the kiddos on the way. I’d been a mom for 4 years by then, and a damn good one (all good moms have two piles of unfolded laundry at any given time, right?). But that didn’t mean Jessi trusted me with her kids or that she should. Where do I fit in, can I reprimand the kids if necessary, can I take them places alone or does their dad need to be with me were all questions I had and they weren’t easily answered. Really, they were never answered verbally but more trial and error and slowly gaining trust. I asked permission a lot...like A LOT! We’d come so far I didn’t want to cross a line and screw it up but I also needed the kids to see me as a parent figure if I was going to be involved.
It’s a daily balancing act and even after years of parenting together there’s no hard and fast rules. I still ask permission on certain things, some of which may seem silly. I asked the other day if I could take Boo for a pedicure - because I know that’s something special Jessi used to do with her so I asked first. Sometimes I ask for an opinion on how to handle a situation, or how we can get on the same page at both houses so there’s consistency for the kids. It’s compromise, communication, and mutual respect. We have 4 parents with different experiences, opinions, and ideas so coparenting will always be our biggest challenge but the most rewarding part of this whole situation too!
— Heather
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