The "Mom-parison"

The New Wife Perspective (Heather)

Mom-parison... I might have made that up but nonetheless I can honestly say I’m guilty of it. What is it? Well, it’s when a mom compares herself to another mom in hopes of making herself feel more secure but instead creates internal turmoil and anxiety leading to an extra glass of wine (or two - who’s counting) once the kids go to bed. Sound familiar? You’re not alone!! 

We’ve all been at the park and noticed the mom whose assets may not be God-given and is feeding her clean, well-behaved child kale chips and organic juice and then realized we’re in bleach-stained yoga pants and our kid is eating sand and wearing her shoes on the wrong feet asking for McDonald’s. But, what happens when the object of your mom-parison is the same person you’re sharing parenting duties with? It can get pretty ugly pretty quick!

Being step-mom I can truly say I’ve never wanted to take Jessi’s place as mom to Bubba and Boo and I never will. But that didn’t stop me from making the comparison between us. I didn’t want to take over their mom’s place but I did want to be liked and needed by them!! Do the kids want to be at her house more than ours? Do they have better toys there? Do we need to be more lenient on punishments so they’ll still want to be at our house? (We tend to be the strict parents). Will they still need and want me around with Jessi just a 5 minute drive away? Not to mention she is my husband’s ex-wife. Are there things about her he liked that I don’t have? How do I compare to her in his eyes as a wife? As a mom?....y’all it’s a slippery, ugly slope going down that comparison road!!!

This was especially true for me as our living arrangements changed throughout our co-parenting time. The kids lived with Jessi in Ohio, then we moved the kids down to South Carolina with us as she and Eli prepared to move down. Once they moved down we started a shared parenting rotation which is what we have now. So, for a while the kids lived solely with us, then began rotating between our two houses. When the rotation started I was worried they wouldn’t want to be at our house since their mom moved back and that we wouldn’t be able to keep up with what they provided. 

I compared our houses, our cars, the kids’ toys, what activities we did with the kids, our families, our marriages, our lives on Facebook/Instagram, their diet (Jessi is way healthier than I am - the kids are no stranger to pizza rolls and chicken nuggets at my house), our careers, our friendships (Jessi makes friends quickly while I have a much smaller group of friends), how much free time we had to spend with the kids (work and school make free time pretty limited for my house), the kids’ clothes at each house, our bodies (nothing like a trip to the pool with the kids to put your mom-parison in overdrive)...I compared EVERYTHING!!! And drove myself crazy while I was at it. To top it off... it was all pointless because the kids didn’t care about any of that stuff so I was putting pressure on myself for absolutely no reason. It’s the perfect example of a mom-parison and it was a flat out waste of energy. 

So, now that we can all admit we’ve totally been part of a mom-parison or, if nothing else, compared ourself to another woman, what do we do about it? You talk to that person! Turns out that Pinterest mom, the mom at the park with the kale chips, the mom on her 18th month of exclusively breast feeding, the mom posting perfect selfies on Instagram, and your co-parenting mom are moms (and humans) rocking stretch marks and their own insecurities, just trying to make it through each day keeping the tiny humans alive and at least relatively happy. 

Once Jessi and I started talking, comparing notes, and being honest about the kids at each house it started to sink in that while they may eat more veggies at her house that didn’t make me a bad mom. I realized that each of the four of us as parents bring something different to the table to offer the kids and that’s okay! In fact, it’s a blessing! If they enjoy exercise and healthy living then that’s totally Jessi’s thing because if I’m running it’s toward the Girl Scout cookie table in front of Walmart. But, if they need help writing a paper or with finances then I’m their girl! That doesn’t make me a bad mom or her a better mom than me but it does give our kids this amazing opportunity to have four parents with unique strengths to turn to when they need something.

Quit the mom-parisons, the comparisons, and the mom shaming y’all. I have a challenge for you..the next tine you find yourself drifting off in thought comparing yourself to another mom or woman or mom-shaming - walk up to her and strike up a conversation. Chances are you’re not that different after all and you’re both just trying to make it through the day without losing your cool when your kid turns on baby shark for the 5,382,947,473rd time.

—Heather

The Ex-Wife Perspective (Jessi)

When I first approached Heather about doing the topic of comparison I had thought for sure this was an issue just I experienced in our dynamic. If you don't know Heather, she is a funny, sarcastic, extremely smart and confident woman whom I thought for sure wouldn't compare herself to anyone let alone me or compare what our kids thought of me and my household vs. her and her household. I was floored when she said that was definitely a topic she could run with! 

As women in general we tend to completely compare ourselves, our lives, our kids, our health, our careers, heck we even compare our butt sizes (come on ladies you know this is true!). So why would this be any different when a new woman came into our dynamic. There was this new person my ex was with and I immediately wanted to know what she did or what she had that I didn't to get his attention. I was comparing our hair, shes a gorgeous blonde and I have never found my love for being a redhead. She was thinner than me so I immediately started calling myself fat and questioning all these superficial things about myself that I couldn't change. I never once thought about who is this person, maybe I could like who she is, maybe she's a good person, wonder how she handled being a mom (advice I desperately needed at the time), how did she handle nursing school, I was way too busy trying to pick myself apart than thinking I could be friends with this woman. 

Fast forward to when we wanted to start this co-parenting journey, all of these thoughts came along with that decision. Were these comparison feelings going to come back, was I going to beat myself up again, was I going to care, I didn't know yet. Comparison did come rushing back, but it was a new type of comparison, I was comparing us as moms, our homes, our parenting, what we were able to do for the kids, what fun things we did with the kids, what we could provide, who was the fun mom, all of these silly things that got me nowhere closer to getting to know Heather. I was worried about were my kids happy that I had moved here or were they going to prefer their house instead. Heather and Jordan are very outdoor people and they go to the river, they build fires outside, they have lots of family around, there are siblings at their house for them to play with so was I going to be boring compared to that? We don't have a boat, we don't have family here, my husband works weekends so was I going to be able to be appealing to them in the same ways, I didn't know and I was terrified of being the boring Mom. They got to take the kids to Disney and I remember asking my husband if he thought one day we would be able to do that too because I wanted to be able to keep up and be relevant. I am still in school so our income isn't as high as it could be with just one of us working and all of this was just gut wrenching that I wasn't going to be enough in my kids eyes. I can be "hippie" and "granola" in my thinking and parenting so was I not going to be liked because my expectations are different. I like to talk about things and find the emotion behind the kids decisions and choices (when they make bad decisions), I like to find the root cause of things and was that going to be way too much for the kids (I can be a lot sometimes haha). Would they prefer talking to Heather when there is a problem because I can be in your face. 

When I find myself comparing I have to remember that my kids got that experience, they got that trip, they got to spend the day outside having fun, they are surrounded by people who love them, they have another trusted person to talk to when maybe I am not that person for the problem who is going to guide them in a positive way that I would approve of and who wouldn't want that for their children! Good for them they got to see Disney, good for them they get to spend their summers on the water, those are all great things for my kids and I shouldn't discredit that just because maybe it wasn't me who took them or talked to them about their issue. They are becoming traveled and well rounded kiddos because of all 4 of us and getting to learn all these different things from each of us and that's a blessing, not something I need to be down and upset about. I am a the best mom I can be and I provide the best environment and best experiences I can and at the end of the day that is all that matters!!

-Jessi