Dating, Kids & Exes...

Heather's Perspective

Dating. *cue the anxiety*
The game changed so much from before I had Bear to once I had her and was ready to potentially introduce a man into our lives. I had Bear when I was in college and waited until after I’d graduated and had a stable job as a nurse for a year before I started dating again. At that point there was Tinder, POF, Farmers Anonymous (shout out to my Father-In-Law who should try this one), and all of the other online dating sites. I swear those weren’t how people dated before! If I wasn’t good at the traditional way of dating how was an app and a profile going to help me? And what was Catfishing?!?! Y’all - apparently I’d been living under a rock!! After contemplating the likelihood that online dating would end in me on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries I figured “Why Not!” and made myself a profile on a free site.
Making a dating profile taught me three things.
1. I had no idea what I wanted!! The profile asked what I was looking for in a person and I had no idea how to say “Not psychopath, wants to be step-father to my child, doesn’t live with his parents, mildly attractive...oh and funny” in a dating profile that would actually attract guys.
2. I needed to invest in some self-care time. I browsed through this site and realized I had “competition” and that nursing school, work, and being a mom hadn’t left a lot of room for self care in the past. Now, I didn’t want anyone to go out with me solely for my looks, but I wanted to feel confident (what makes you feel better than new hair and a mani/pedi?) This is one of the best lessons to learn as a mom, and is one I have to be reminded of often.
3. I was probably in over my head with all of this!! How was I going to know if the guy was a creep? If he wasn’t a creep how would I know when to have a guy meet Bear? What if Bear hated him? What if Bear’s dad didn’t approve of a guy being around Bear? What if I brought someone who I shouldn’t have to meet Bear and the relationship turns ugly and she sees that? What if I never find someone (I’m a lot to handle sometimes)? Once I dug myself out of the self-doubt hole I’d made, I completed the profile, uploaded a picture (far enough away so you wouldn’t see all my imperfections but definitely still me) and went about my dating journey.

I was SUPER picky with any guy whether we had mutual friends, were strangers off the dating site, or had known each other previously but never dated before. If a guy gave me a weird vibe (there were LOTS) or had any inkling of a red flag I called it off! I didn’t want to waste my time. Part of me saw it like a business transaction - making sure the guy met all my qualifications and if not, returning him to the dating pool!
Then, Jordan and I met. We hit it off immediately and our relationship was just...easy! He understood parenting and dating with kids because he was doing it too, he had a good job, was funny, and was way more than mildly attractive - he met all my qualifications and then some!!! As we started dating seriously we tried to carve out time when we didn’t have kids to see each other - which wasn’t a ton since we both worked nights and lived about an hour away from each other.
A few months after we started dating we set up dinner dates with us, the kids, and our exes individually so they could meet us and we could be introduced to the kids. Only a few months seems short looking back now, but dating with kids forced us to talk about the big things early on in our relationship and know that we were serious.  

The introduction was SOOO important! It helped make sure the exes approved of the new person and that the kids saw the approval. It didn’t eliminate all our issues though. We still had a lot of boundaries to define like staying over with the kids, when Jordan’s kids could meet my child, social media posts, the amount of time spent with the kids, driving them places, and so many other things that came up in the moment. Some of the boundaries, I’ll be honest, felt overbearing and a little degrading...but then I had to think about the fact that at some point Bear’s dad would find someone he wanted to bring around her and how would I feel? I’d be just as leery and concerned so I did my best to follow directions and earn trust over time (lots of time). Jessi didn’t know me and even though I knew I was trustworthy and a good mom, she didn’t know that and was doing what any good mom would do - protect her kiddos!

Now, Bear’s dad is married to an awesome woman and step-mom. I tried (and hopefully succeeded) at being protective but trusting when her dad and step-mom started dating and being around Bear. I tried to remember what it had been like for me as the step-mom coming into the picture. 

To the mom who is starting to date with kids in tow remember it’s a journey worth taking and you deserve to find happiness and your kids deserve to see you happy in a healthy relationship. Trust your mom instincts in choosing the right person to be around your kids. 

To the “new woman” coming on scene in the step-mom role, remember to be patient with their mom. Chances are she’s trying her best to find her way in the new dynamics and needs a little slack. And don’t forget you didn’t just choose the man, you chose the family and the momma that comes with it. 

To the mom who is watching a new woman enter her ex’s and her child’s life, be protective and trust your instincts. But don’t forget to check the motives behind your actions. Are you being protective because you don’t know this new woman or out of spite? Give this other woman some leeway to show you she’s trustworthy. 

And to all the mommas...don’t forget about self care!! Take a bubble bath, hide in the pantry to eat a snack alone for 2 minutes, get your nails done, drink the extra glass of wine, whatever it is don’t forget you need some self love!! Your kiddos (and man) will thank you for it!!

—Heather 

Jessi's Perspective

When it came to dating after being divorced my first feeling hands down was, who would want me now. Who else felt this?? I think after a not so compassionate break-up, divorce, what ever you want to call it happens we all get this inadequate, uneasy feeling about ourselves. I thought my ex didn't want me but lets be honest at this point we didn't want each other, so why would someone else. I didn't think maybe we just weren't meant for each other, and I know some people will fall out their chairs wanting to yell at me at how you shouldn't divorce and you can make it work yada yada yada. Yea I heard you and I don't care so keep it moving. It was hard for me to find my worth again and you can ask my husband now, I still have trouble finding my self esteem and not letting my anxiety take hold of me. Am I damaged goods, do I need to change the things my ex didn't like about me to find someone else? He found someone else (Heather)  and even though I treat her terrible(at this point in time) she's freaking fantastic and if he doesn't marry her I'll sure in hell propose to  her to get the help and organization she gives hahaha, but for real, he found someone, how in the hell did he go about doing that? I was scared to tell someone I had an ex husband and kids and now a step parent to my kids and we all have to be able to communicate. That's a freaking mouth full just saying it like that, imagine explaining to someone you like, holy cow, insert panic attack!

About 6 months after divorcing, Eli asked me on a date. We had known each other for about 12 years already at that point, we worked together as teenagers, had some friends in common, been Facebook friends for years so he was aware I had children which made my life so easy. I didn't have to have that awkward conversation of "oh I have an almost 2 year old and a kindergartner still want to take me to dinner". I was open from the first date that if kids was an issue then we didn't need to go any further and waste our time. That didn't scare him, yay me! The more our relationship went on I had to start figuring out what the boundaries were, is he allowed to stay over? I know I am an adult but these children in the house are another man's so is he ok with Eli being here in the house. Can I post pictures of us together? I don't want bad feelings of another man at the zoo with Jordan's kids. Are we allowed to have fun with the kids and be happy about it publicly. I felt all of this guilt about another man coming into the kids' lives. Jordan had been with Heather and they had recently married and when she first came into the picture I was very strict about her time with the kids (unfairly strict, I will say it, I was completely unfair to her) and now I understood all of these things Jordan was probably feeling and not knowing how to navigate with an ex and I gave no wiggle room for error with them to work with. The guilt for me doubled, there was this double standard I set up for Jordan dating Heather and then rightfully so they wanted me held accountable too so learning to navigate these rules for myself, wow, talk about a wake up call on my behavior.

Doing all of these rules, looking for validation I was doing the right thing, plus trying to figure out how to move all of us closer so the kids had both their parents around which they deserved and try to date a new person hahaha talk about the biggest anxiety attacks of my life!!! How Eli didn't run from this crazy group of people I will never understand. Honestly, it just proved to me he was my person. Maybe he's the reason I wasn't meant to make it with Jordan. There were lessons on humility for me to learn and  people who were supposed to come in and make this parenting thing as ex's bearable for Jordan and I and I couldn't thank Heather and Eli for coming in and helping this thing go as smoothly as it does today.

Dating may sound awful with kids and it has its challenges. You have to learn so many new rules, new routes to accomplish things, learn other people's personalities, try to make people understand your life, and it gets chaotic but you deserve to find that person. Even your ex despite how you might feel at the moment. That new person coming into their life and your children's may be one of the biggest blessings even to you, so give it a chance!