Mental Health and co-parenting (someone had to say it matters). From: Jessi
Mental health issues when you are trying to co-parent; embarrassing, yet so important to manage. I am pretty open with the fact that I struggle with depression and anxiety... a lot. No, it's not really anyone's business but when you co-parent it may be a good thing to discuss. It effects your decisions, how you talk to people, how you treat people on some days, it's noticeable to others and sometimes you just need to shut down from people. Heather and Jordan are no stranger to my mental health because, well trust me, it has been a major problem at a particular point in time and once I figured out what was happening it explained a lot of the misery I brought to the table.
This group of parents has a date (or time period) that has a dark connotation in the mental health department. It's the day I became so over whelmed with the stress of me losing my "safe space" (Jordan) whom I had a co-dependent relationship with, that I didn't know who I was without this person. I needed his approval, I needed his acceptance, and I would do anything I thought would keep him when in the end I was doing more harm than good to our marriage. I literally was lost in him. Was this his fault? No, not really. It was my mind, mental health and well being that was struggling when I didn't have this thing, this person, constantly helping me to function. Was that a healthy way to view and spend our relationship, not in the slightest!!
I also was gaining this new person in my life (Heather) who was threatening my happiness and my weird, best friend, co-dependent friendship I still had with Jordan in my head. Taking him away was like losing my right arm. I needed to know I was somehow still relevant to him and slowly I was becoming not so relevant. How was I going to be safe? How was I going to make decisions? How was I going to make friends? How was I going to go about my day knowing my right arm was gone? On top of this, when you are alone and in a dark place, everything that had ever gone wrong starts to creep in and it bothers you all over again; maybe more than it ever did in the first place. OK absolutely more than it ever did in the first place. I had down time. I had time alone without the kids now that we were separated because they were hanging with Jordan and Heather and I felt I had no one.
My thoughts in my head became my best friends and Lord help me, those friends took me to dark places. I began to realize why I had this co-dependence on Jordan for survival, this need for him to be there... -the tumultuous relationship I was in prior to Jordan. The relationship that scared me, stalked me, stalked my husband at the time (Jordan). The relationship that mentally and physically just abused me for years, and Jordan finally saved me from. I finally found someone that showed me I was crazy to stay with an abusive person.
So, instead of just falling in love with this savior I had found and making a marriage out of our relationship, I made a dependent relationship. A relationship where I had to have him and I was going to make him need me. Does this sound crazy? Hell yes, I was. I was smothering the shit out of him because that abusive man I was with before was going to find me and Jordan had to be there. Sound even crazier? Yea, I'm with ya. But this is how mental health works. Trauma happens and then you link every bad thing that happens after that back to the initial trauma. If you are mentally not in a good spot, it will run you right over. And what did those new found best friends (those dark thoughts) just go and do? They ran my life, they consumed me, they made me make everyone who wanted to help me and be there for me my enemy.
So, was I going to be nice to this new found love of Jordan's, hell to the no! I was miserable without that co-dependent relationship so I was going to make both of them miserable too. I was going to ruin date nights, I was going to make them the bad people, I was going to make dating Heather the hardest task Jordan had ever taken on. Part of my attempts were successful in the fact I did make them miserable and not want to co-parent with me. I had this desperate need to have Jordan in my life still, but I was just pushing him further away in my attempts to take everyone down with me. The thought of having no one hit me like a ton of bricks one day at a time. The feeling of being worthless crept into every waking thought I had until one day I didn't want to do it anymore. I thought no one was happy in my presence, I wasn't being a good mom, a good friend, a good person in an attempt to raise kids separated, so why was I continuing to stick around? That thought right there, "why was I continuing to stick around", got me every time until I didn't have the strength to fight that one small sentence in my head anymore. I didn't have a plan, but I had a date ingrained in my head as the day that I was done, the day where I couldn't even think of a single reason I was worth it anymore. I had a good friend left, so I called her.... and I am still here because of that phone call.
I let my depression and anxiety get the best of me for a bit, I was checked in for help that I desperately needed (timing was terrible but I needed it). I looked like a desperate ex wife, I looked like a terrible mom, I looked like a bad friend, I looked like I should be embarrassed but you know what? Who freaking cares! I was drowning and I needed help. Jordan and Heather could have punished me, tried to make me look bad, tried to make me look worse, tried to keep the kids hostage, but they didn't. They recognized and maybe it took years to recognize, I'm not sure, that I just needed help.
When it comes to struggling, mental health is real. I still struggle and openly admit it, but getting help is the key. It's ok to not be on your A-game all the time, it's ok to not be able to work through things alone and need therapy- go get it. It is worth every penny. Having trouble? Talk to your spouse, friends, other co-parents; maybe they can help. Maybe they have seen it coming before you did. Everyone just wants you better for your kiddos so you can be the best version of you. And if you are on the receiving end of the depressed/anxious co-parent, be understanding, they have a battle in their head you may know nothing about. Encourage them to seek help. They can get through their battles, one day at a time.
This group of parents has a date (or time period) that has a dark connotation in the mental health department. It's the day I became so over whelmed with the stress of me losing my "safe space" (Jordan) whom I had a co-dependent relationship with, that I didn't know who I was without this person. I needed his approval, I needed his acceptance, and I would do anything I thought would keep him when in the end I was doing more harm than good to our marriage. I literally was lost in him. Was this his fault? No, not really. It was my mind, mental health and well being that was struggling when I didn't have this thing, this person, constantly helping me to function. Was that a healthy way to view and spend our relationship, not in the slightest!!
I also was gaining this new person in my life (Heather) who was threatening my happiness and my weird, best friend, co-dependent friendship I still had with Jordan in my head. Taking him away was like losing my right arm. I needed to know I was somehow still relevant to him and slowly I was becoming not so relevant. How was I going to be safe? How was I going to make decisions? How was I going to make friends? How was I going to go about my day knowing my right arm was gone? On top of this, when you are alone and in a dark place, everything that had ever gone wrong starts to creep in and it bothers you all over again; maybe more than it ever did in the first place. OK absolutely more than it ever did in the first place. I had down time. I had time alone without the kids now that we were separated because they were hanging with Jordan and Heather and I felt I had no one.
My thoughts in my head became my best friends and Lord help me, those friends took me to dark places. I began to realize why I had this co-dependence on Jordan for survival, this need for him to be there... -the tumultuous relationship I was in prior to Jordan. The relationship that scared me, stalked me, stalked my husband at the time (Jordan). The relationship that mentally and physically just abused me for years, and Jordan finally saved me from. I finally found someone that showed me I was crazy to stay with an abusive person.
So, instead of just falling in love with this savior I had found and making a marriage out of our relationship, I made a dependent relationship. A relationship where I had to have him and I was going to make him need me. Does this sound crazy? Hell yes, I was. I was smothering the shit out of him because that abusive man I was with before was going to find me and Jordan had to be there. Sound even crazier? Yea, I'm with ya. But this is how mental health works. Trauma happens and then you link every bad thing that happens after that back to the initial trauma. If you are mentally not in a good spot, it will run you right over. And what did those new found best friends (those dark thoughts) just go and do? They ran my life, they consumed me, they made me make everyone who wanted to help me and be there for me my enemy.
So, was I going to be nice to this new found love of Jordan's, hell to the no! I was miserable without that co-dependent relationship so I was going to make both of them miserable too. I was going to ruin date nights, I was going to make them the bad people, I was going to make dating Heather the hardest task Jordan had ever taken on. Part of my attempts were successful in the fact I did make them miserable and not want to co-parent with me. I had this desperate need to have Jordan in my life still, but I was just pushing him further away in my attempts to take everyone down with me. The thought of having no one hit me like a ton of bricks one day at a time. The feeling of being worthless crept into every waking thought I had until one day I didn't want to do it anymore. I thought no one was happy in my presence, I wasn't being a good mom, a good friend, a good person in an attempt to raise kids separated, so why was I continuing to stick around? That thought right there, "why was I continuing to stick around", got me every time until I didn't have the strength to fight that one small sentence in my head anymore. I didn't have a plan, but I had a date ingrained in my head as the day that I was done, the day where I couldn't even think of a single reason I was worth it anymore. I had a good friend left, so I called her.... and I am still here because of that phone call.
I let my depression and anxiety get the best of me for a bit, I was checked in for help that I desperately needed (timing was terrible but I needed it). I looked like a desperate ex wife, I looked like a terrible mom, I looked like a bad friend, I looked like I should be embarrassed but you know what? Who freaking cares! I was drowning and I needed help. Jordan and Heather could have punished me, tried to make me look bad, tried to make me look worse, tried to keep the kids hostage, but they didn't. They recognized and maybe it took years to recognize, I'm not sure, that I just needed help.
When it comes to struggling, mental health is real. I still struggle and openly admit it, but getting help is the key. It's ok to not be on your A-game all the time, it's ok to not be able to work through things alone and need therapy- go get it. It is worth every penny. Having trouble? Talk to your spouse, friends, other co-parents; maybe they can help. Maybe they have seen it coming before you did. Everyone just wants you better for your kiddos so you can be the best version of you. And if you are on the receiving end of the depressed/anxious co-parent, be understanding, they have a battle in their head you may know nothing about. Encourage them to seek help. They can get through their battles, one day at a time.
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