2 "Moms" and 2 "Dads" How could we allow this??

Jessi's Perspective: 

If I had a penny for every time someone made the comment to me, “you let your kids call her mommy”, I could have retired on a yacht in Fiji at the age of 27. Seriously, I am not even exaggerating.  People and their opinions, never get old right? (insert eye roll).

I can tell you exactly where I was standing and what time of day it was the day Heather told me that Boo has started calling her “mommy”. I can honestly tell you in that moment I wanted to scream at Jordan as to how he could allow this to happen, how could he allow betrayal to the mother of his children to happen,  and what was he going to do to fix it. It was obviously his fault right? Like he forced our 2 year to call her that, I just knew it! He wanted me replaced, he hated me and he wanted the kids to love Heather more than me.

Come on divorced mommas, I know you’ve told yourself that same sentence to yourself over and over again in different occasions throughout your divorced journey (insert whoever’s name necessary). It’s ok! 

I’ve said in a previous post when we as moms get divorced we lump ourselves with our kids right? We don’t want to be the only person left in the situation so we make the emotional burden our kid’s burden too and this to me was just another way he was trying to shove that dagger in my back in just a little more.

Something happened though when I went to respond, all of these feelings rushed through my mind in a split second, and all that I could actually think to respond with was “if that’s what she wants to call you.” I left it alone at that. I was shopping with my Step Mom whom I think the world of and think of as a Mom it hit me like a ton of bricks that maybe Heather was that to our Boo. Maybe she was another shoulder to cry on when she’s hurt, maybe she tells silly stories too, gives endless cuddles, is there every day to pick them up too and that is what Boo is seeing.

What if for a second I stopped and thought about how much Boo loved Heather. She told me every time I talked to her all about Heather and how great she was, so what if, just maybe, this was her way of expressing her love. At the end of the day, isn’t that what we want for our kids? Don’t we want the adults in their lives to be so great that they just feel safe and loved when they are around?

Imagine if I told her it wasn’t ok to say that. That this love she felt for her bonus momma was irrelevant and that I didn’t care about her feelings.  By not allowing it, that’s my pride that’s hurt (all that’s effected on my end), my daughter would have been hurt, my daughter’s feelings  would have been invalidated, Heather would have been invalidated and Jordan would have been told the woman he chose to marry wasn’t good enough for my kids when honestly that was far from the truth. Heather loves our kids and never would you know that they weren’t hers biologically unless you know us personally. How would I not want that for the kids?

So do I seriously “let” my children call Heather “mommy”? To be put simply, YES!!!

Heather's perspective:

Who are these kids and why are they calling me “mom”?

No seriously, they’re not all mine by birth, so why are they all calling me mom?
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Turns out our kiddos aren’t much into societal normals or opinions and took it upon themselves to call all 4 of us parents mama and daddy. 🤷🏼‍♀️
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Boo was 2 and Bubba was 6 when they moved down to SC to live with us. At the the time, Jessi & Eli were still in Ohio. This meant I was doing all the mama things like cutting nails, drop off & pick up, cooking, baths, their laundry, snuggles, discipline...the whole bit!  🧺

About 6 months into this life change Boo started calling me “mommy”.
I never told her to. No coercion, force, or suggestion. She just did it on her own...

I immediately told Jessi! I explained that Bear called me mommy, so Boo assumed I am her mommy too. I treated all the kids the same, so she just assumed.

Jessi actually took it better than Bubba did. He got frustrated because I wasn’t his or Boo’s mommy and he didn’t like thinking his real mommy had been forgotten. It breaks my heart still remembering this and knowing how he must have felt.

 It took a lot of explaining and support for him to understand that I would never take Jessi’s place, and didn’t want to! But, that Boo understood things differently and that was okay!

Thankfully, Jessi took the whole thing with grace. I can only imagine that it was a huge sucker punch when I told her. But, she embraced it, understood it was an innocent 2 year-old mind that created the name change, and even supported Bubba in understanding.
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Flash forward a few years and they both call me mama. Over the years we’ve been through variations: “Miss Heather”, “Mommy Heather”, “Mommy”, “Mama”. They still use “mommy Heather” if they’re trying to differentiate myself and Jessi. I gladly answer to them all

There’s only ever been one rule on names: it has to be polite.
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When the kiddos started calling me any variation of mommy I got some push back from the peanut gallery. Those people who aren’t in your inner circle, but choose to voice their opinion like they are...yea, those people. 🥜
I heard things like ...
* You shouldn’t force them to say that
* It’s so disrespectful to their real mom
* I bet their real mom hates that
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Let me be real clear on my opinion here. “Mom” is a title that is not derived solely from birthing a child. It is a title that is worked for and earned with every single boo-boo kissed, bedtime story read, meal cooked, potty training attempt made, snuggle given, ounce of love poured out, and sacrifice gladly made.

If a child *chooses* to call their step-parent mommy or daddy. That is a WIN!!! That parent has worked hard and earned the love and trust of that kiddo...an amazing accomplishment!!!

My BIGGEST accomplishment in life is *earning* the title of Mama to the 5 most amazing kiddos on the planet

Give the step-parent in your child’s life a chance to earn that title as well...it’s a gift they’ll always be thankful you gave them